"brb i gotta batch of brownies brewin and the porcelain kings the first to taste them." - Matt L. (my brother)

"I have the evening crazies. wahhhh!" - Mike B.

"Your heart is in the right place, but your brain is up your fucking ass!" - Jeff C.

"xprismperfectx: I have green tea with ginseng and honey and chamomile and all that good stuff
xprismperfectx: it's an experience
steed074: damn girl
xprismperfectx: although tea parties with that stuff would not be a good idea, most likely
xprismperfectx: that ginseng..whooo..helllllo
steed074: yeah, one thing would lead to another and 9 months later....crumpets"

"steed074: fuckin birdies"

While clothes shopping with my 7 year old niece, Heidi, and Mike...
"Me: Yeah, this would look great on me..if I was a prostitute.
Heidi: Well you are!"

"steed074: wobbedy wobbedy, drop it like it's hot."

"steed074: guess what im doin...
xprismperfectx: strutting around in your leather pants?
steed074: na, i dont do that til everyone is asleep
xprismperfectx: what, you don't want to frighten them?
xprismperfectx: what's the use of buying them if you aren't gonna flaunt it?
steed074: i dont want to be pulled into a room and made love to."

"I've got leather pants. Shiny leather pants. I think i look sexy in em. They accentuate my ass. I figure that since i dont drink, i need something that just screams "designated driver" in the clubs." - Raul 'Supafly' Lopez/steed074

"RivetPenguinBoi: I was 15
RivetPenguinBoi: Making out with this girl on my bed
RivetPenguinBoi: She was on top of me
RivetPenguinBoi: Took off her shirt
RivetPenguinBoi: Took off her bra
RivetPenguinBoi: Looked at her tits
RivetPenguinBoi: "What the fuck", I said.
RivetPenguinBoi: Bitch had invisible nipples."

"RivetPenguinBoi: My dog is a nerd.
RivetPenguinBoi: She is laying on her back, fully sprawled out, snoring loudly, with her mouth open.
RivetPenguinBoi: She wants me.
RivetPenguinBoi: I cannot blame her, but she just does not do it for me.
RivetPenguinBoi: Even though she has like eight nipples."

"I'd fuck you, if I remember correctly." - RivetPenguinBoi

"I should run around with a test tube on my head yelling, 'I'm a test tube baby!'" - Teresa S.

"I just rolled over on a sandwich......i did not see that coming." - Raul 'Supafly' Lopez

"If I get pregnant, I'll starve the baby!!" - Teresa S.

"I hate the bra fairy." - Mike B.

"I'm a man, I need a use." - Mike B.

"Me: What time is it?
Mike: Time for me to love you."

"On a hot 93 degree day...cheese." - Mike B.

"Just call me Pippie Longvagina. Pippie Longclit." Celeste S., Teresa S.

"It's amazing how something that has caused me so much trouble over the years has finally given me control over a young male. It almost makes up for the smell." - Teresa S.

"Double, double, toilet trouble, anal burn and colon bubble." - Teresa S., while stirring a pot of baked beans.

"God, i always hated that in high school....you're just sitting there and *boing* what the...where the fuck did that come from? i'm sitting here thinking about square roots and i'm getting wood? even worse than that though...morning wood.....and then you gotta get up to take a leak, and have to either stand back and hope your aim is good, or lean over the toilet...jesus i went on way too much about that." - Mike B.

"It's like you when you see a kittie...'aww i wanna pet it'....yeah, same thing with me and the academy award winners." (Note: Academy Award Winners = my boobies) - Mike B.

"Oh please kind sir, would you mount my bottom?" - Celeste S.

"...Vulcan death grip on his weewee." - Celeste S.

"We're really important, we're pillars in the community." - Celeste S.

"Excuse me kind sir, could you please remove your thumb from my butthole?" - Celeste S.

"They say candle motif, but I say shot glass." - Jay M.

"Hornier than a catholic schoolgirl on clam day." - Teresa S.

"Dude, we wouldn't eat chicken eggs, we'd eat human eggs." - Holly L.

"Fishy snatch? Is that cat food? It's the snatch of the day!'" - Teresa S.

"Makes me want to have sex with a whole vat of strawberries. I'd dive in ass naked with an erection." - George H.

"Okay George, reach up here, rub it, and smell your fingers." - Celeste S.

"Holly: There's practically neon signs surrounding my ass saying 'here! look here! strike this!'
Mike: Yeah...at least in my mind there is
Holly: So that's all you see eh? what else do the neon signs say? any particular colors?
Mike: It's really bright neon pink, and every once in awhile, depending on my mood, they say things like 'no shirt, no shoes, no problem!' and 'no squirrels allowed'....and sometimes there's a welcome mat that looks like it was made by martha stewart."

"PEE!!! DAMN YOU!!! PEE FOR WORLD PEACE!!! DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN!!!" - Raul 'Supafly' Lopez

"I was the squirrel master." - Mike B.

"Not many girls will talk to you if you walk up and say, "I'm a sagitarius, i like puppies, long walks, massages, and cuddling" i dunno, i guess they prefer, "duh, watch me lift this rock over my head"" - Raul 'Supafly' Lopez

"It's time for you to find god, you dirty little atheist." - Mike B.

"Well, I know that one was a little extreme...I think if we take the parallel bars and streamers out of the picture you could probably do it." - Mike B.

"You will never be ready for 'the woods'...no one ever is...they think they are, but then they get there and are just astounded and start having second thoughts." - Mike B.

"I could see that prom dress hiked up over my shoulders." - Teresa S.

"I want to be the kitten that claws at your ankles. I want to be the kitten that pissed in your bed. I want to be the kitten that craps in your hat. Above all, I want to be the motherfucking kitten antichrist." - Celeste S.

"I'm a little greaseball, short and stout...here is my handle, here is my spout." - Raul 'Supafly' Lopez

I most definitely would watch some dead guy get handcuffed, chained up, stuffed in a burlap bag, and thrown in a coffin 6 feet under. They could make a whole new show out of it..."UnSurvivor - The Plains of Purgatory." - Raul 'Supafly' Lopez

"That's not porn, thats a fabrically challenged working woman on her nap break." - Raul 'Supafly' Lopez

"Damn." - Mike B., before seeing that the glorious cleavage he was looking at belonged to John Malkovich

"Just try and get it in my mouth." - Celeste S.

"Ha ha! Yes, fuck me!" - Mike B.

"How dare you give up sex when there are children in europe who can't get a date." - Raul 'Supafly' Lopez

"And I smack my ass every hour on the hour anyways and it's done nothing." - Mike B.

"Martha is starting to get to me. the way she turns and looks into the camera with that evil genious carpenter smile, o, it drives me buck wild. i swear, its like she's looking directly into my eyes and saying "raul, we could make beautiful wicker furniture together. how about you come till my garden and we'll plant some northern giant prize winning pumpkins together." she's teasing me. i saw her wearing some homemade glitter pants on her show the other day and she had my initials sparkling all the way from the top of her butt to her zipper in the front. i even saw my name in the credits of her show...it said, "i want you to stuff my duck with your paper mache. call me, im listed" i dont get the second part." - Raul 'Supafly' Lopez

"Shit...now that i look at it a minute, it's very unnerving....I'm going to be having nightmares about a little evil looking kid running around in a pikachu costume trying to steal my feet." - Mike B.

"Once a month we go into the woods, dance around a fire with the small woodland animals...then later we pour maple syrup all over each other and wrestle in the bushes..just fiiilthy. I don't know who 'we' is..all we're allowed to wear are ski-masks...nothing else...not even a thong for those slightly inhibited folks. Just imagine....spending a night wrestling with someone covered in maple syrup...then you're walking down the street with your significant other and you run into them....what're you gonna say? 'uh, honey, this is bob, we wrestled in sticky liquids for hours until it got so sticky we had to be seperated with a two-by-four'. Just imagine trying to wrestle when you can't even get your legs apart...you have to like hop around....it results in alot of grunting too, which is always good." - Mike B.

"I just wish you would shut the fuck up sometimes...christ." - Mike B.

"How dare you call me unfeminine. do i not have nipples? do i not have hair? do i not have white cotton panties? oops, wait...ummm....no, i dont...you didnt read that." - Raul 'Supafly' Lopez

"When she took that bottle of butterscotch lube and the pack of twizzlers and made a car out of it, i almost died." - Raul 'Supafly' Lopez, on Martha Stewart

"The pain will only bring you closer to god, my child." - Teresa S.

"We throw the big balls around." - Teresa S.

"That's better though, because your ratio of wang to no wang is less than mine." - Mike B.

"I've never had an older woman touch my upper thigh. And I don't want it to happen again." - Celeste S.

"Please knock me up. I want to be filled with the seeds of your loins." - Celeste S.

"Do you have a dog? i was layin in bed a min ago, and i had an epiphany. i need a dog. not anythin fancy, just a mutt or somethin, that way when his hair got all matted up from me not washin or combin him, no one would be the wiser. ive been itchin to try out my cattle prod, and i think a dog would be the perfect trial subject. i try it out on my friends, but the'yre too fast, believe me, i've chased. not to mention, they won't even let you bring it close to the mall, much less walmart. bastards, i hate their rules. its like, o you can bring your massive erection in, but sonny, your gonna hafta leave your cattle prod in the car. anyway, a dog would be a perfect subject, he'd come walkin up to sniff it, and ZZZAAAPPP!!! granted, you'd only get one chance to do it, but it would be worth it. the maniacal ecstasy i would achieve from seeing the blue-white arc of electricity going from the prongs of the prod to my little mutts cold wet nose would sate my urge to kill something for at least 2 or 3 days, minimum. o, and if i could find someone with a nice camcorder, ahhhhh, i would be in heaven. one with a nice 10x optical zoom, digital picture steadyin, and a shutter speed fast enough to get super slow motion. omg, i think i would just die. and i bet i would win the $100,000 grand prize on americas funniest home videos. but first, i must find a dog. " - Raul 'Supafly' Lopez

"A/C is like the hand of god himself reachin down from the heavens with an icee." - Raul 'Supafly' Lopez

"Holly: Britney spears..she has her own line of anal beads..they sell them at the gift shop at the beginning of the tour
Raul 'Supafly' Lopez: she crowdsurfs between songs and lets them pull em out
Holly: 'oops I..*pop* *pop* did it again *pop*'"

"As for now, off to bed little one." - Mike B.

"It's just when I first put it on in the morning and that iron is fucking cold...christ, talk about shrinkage." - Mike B.

"No, everyone knows you put reeses pieces on baby quiche." - Teresa S.

"Mike: although how can you have too much *nut*?
Holly: well..snowball?
Mike: haha....hmmm....well....not alwa....hmmm...ok yeah i guess so."

"I know i get frisky when i'm naked and frolicking with another man." - Mike B.

"Feed on the flesh of your brethren!" - Teresa S. while feeding turkey to her cockatiels.

"Oh my god..I like almost flew that time." - Celeste S.

"Gotta hate when nut gets everywhere...I know I do...you should see the bottom of my desk." - Mike B.

"We'll call you little miss shiny ass." - Mike B.

"The male member isn't the most pretty thing in the world. I mean, boys, you can't tell me that you're little friend down there could ever win a contest for most decorative. In fact it's just plain nasty. If i wasn't naturally attracted sexually, i'd probably be disgusted. God musta had one hell of a sense of humor that's all i gotta say." - April H.

"I wouldn't mind contributing to his infidelity." - Celeste S.

"Maybe they're making our school more aerodynamic. What the fuck do I look like? The answer woman? - Celeste S.

"Girl, I don't like mens with a penis..they nasty." - Celeste S.

"It almost feels like I owe YOU something, cause you're easily the most amazing person I've ever known..and I wouldn't even be who I am today if it weren't for you...like I said on my page about how you influenced me....I know, I'm kissing your ass, but it's true." Mike B. (I cried a little..shhhh.)

"My Ex-fiance named her husband's dick Ponshetto." - Eric S.

"Bestiality is nice, but I'm just not into that one-on-one woman thing." - Teresa S.

"I'm having a heart attack, how about some more lardwater?!" - Teresa S.

"Two goats get into a fight, one goat looks at the other goat and says 'Watch out, I'm a bleater'." - A joke that Teresa S. made up

"I have seen the Virgin Mary in a shit stain!" - Teresa S.

"Any sexual experience is a money making scheme." - Teresa S.

"You're cold and forbidden, but fun to play on." - Teresa S.

"Here, lay down." - Teresa S., while carrying 8 jello shots

"It don't get no righter?! you don't know the meaning of right! you....you insolent fwiffiwan!" - Mike B.

"I think i'm gonna wheee the fucking wall because i fucking hate cgi and all its bitchiness." - Mike B.

"I had a dream I had this pet camel and it slept with me, but took up the entire bed. And when it would get hungry, it would hand me this flashlight like it meant he was hungry. It was really weird." - Tessa H.

"Fellatio horatio..you don't even want to know how he got that nickname..let's just say it involved crossdressing, new orleans, and a small circle of his crossdressing monkey friends..that one bad monkey in that group is the one that made him maniacal.....you'd be maniacal too if someone had done that to your you-know-what..that monkey's just not right.....i'm still trying to figure out what he's doing under my bed at night....every once in awhile i'll hear a *screeeeeech* *bammm* *whooowahp*...odd...i think it has something to do with those "raisins" he eats." - Mike B.

"See, this was before shayoll's twin was killed....so i had 3 slave midgets....bobo being the other....but he got greedy....he bartered a deal with one of the porn shop owners.....all the midget porn he wanted if he would tell him who sent him.....and of course, being a horny midget, he couldn't resist....but i had that place bugged...i heard the whole conversation...so when bobo got back that night with my box of porn, he had a surprise...there i was, waiting for him with a jar of vegemite and a pair of handcuffs.....that was not a fun night for either one of us.......ever since then he's been living in a box behind value city, babbling about rabid kangaroos." - Mike B.

"You know how they say wars were started by religion or economics? I believe they were started by snow cones and whiskey." - Teresa S.

"It was cold our plane had crashed in the Andes and it was only me and the Brazilian soccer team. I had to eat the little guy I was higher on the food chain." - Andrew G., referring to the time that he ate a penguin.

"Reminds me of that one night we were up till like 5 a.m. talking about the animals under your bed." - Mike B.

"You don't remember it? the chains? the bullwhip? the peanut butter? and worst of all, the fish and chips?" - Mike B.