Remember the days when these shoes were cool? Oh..they never were? Shit. What a fashion faux pais. *tsk*

I don't care how much patience you have or how great of an artist you are, it's impossible to make a self portrait using torn up pieces of construction paper, so you can kiss my white ass.

This was an illustration for the book 'The River' by Gary Paulsen. I'll just let this one speak for itself.

This was a giant piece of paper that had a poem about the month of March. Something about coming in like a lion and going out like a lamb or something inane like that. So after looking at this, my confusion is only started by this drawing. I had to label it too. This is a lamb? Can you say..panda? Maybe I really really wanted lambs to look like pandas. Pandas are awfully cute.

I assume here that the teacher wanted us to write down things that are green, but also pertain to Christmas. Looks pretty normal to me, but you can obviously see that I was running out of ideas. Christmas trees...sprinkles? When I think of christmas now, sprinkles are the last thing on my mind. Moving on..'holly leaves'. Had to put that, of course. Moving on..wreaths, lights...elf suits!? Of all things, elf suits? I've lived quite a few years, and I can say that I've never seen anyone dressed up as an elf in a green suit. Must've been all those early 90's tv elves.

Okay, this was from a booklet I got on my 6th birthday party. I lived in Arizona at the time, and yes folks, my party was held at McDonalds. It angers me that they only allowed me to attempt to write my first name, but nothing else. I got screwed in that department. Obviously, I had an identity crisis somewhere along the line, because I agree with none of this. Although sometimes I'd like to drop 45 pounds, which is probably the weight of my thigh goddamnit. Nobody cared how tall I was apparently. Can anyone tell me what the fuck 'Centers' class is? To hell if I remember. At any rate, this is where I was mentally at 6 years old. Or maybe not, my sister probably wrote this out for me. Oddly, I do remember Ryan Brown. He didn't come to my party though. Bastard.

I wonder if psychiatric kindergarten tests have to be authorized? This is a primitive ink blot test. We put paint on a paper, folded it in half, pulled it apart, and told the teacher what it looked like. She wrote our response. Apparently, that's what I told her. Now, mentally, she's gotta be going 'What the fuck?'. Naturally, I couldn't be creative..had to say it looks like spilled milk, but oh, wait!! It was, a monster. Threw you for a loop didn't I?!

THE INFAMOUS 'THIS IS MY HOUSE' BOOK

It starts out innocent enough. We make a little book, the teacher gave us a sentence, and we drew a picture corresponding to it. Notice how my mother dates everything, like it's going to get me anywhere in life.

Page one. Okay, draw a picture of yourself. First of all, I didn't get my ears pierced till I was like 13, and I never wear earrings anyways, so, why am I wearing them? Good question. Apparently, I enjoyed lipstick, and I had giant gaping holes in my ears. Notice the lack of clothing, but I did remember to include the necklace. Good lord, if I didn't have that I'd feel odd. I think I had a gangrenous nose also.

Now we're just plunging into bizarre. What kind of Freudian slip made me put clothes only on grandma? If I recall, my grandma only stayed for like a week, so, why is she permanently in my house with a purple halter top on? Why are the other members of my family hideously disfigured and naked except for grandma? Look! I even gave her a more defined crotch. Also notice, the only word I knew how to write on my own there was Dad, my mom wrote the rest. My dad was not a hippie, he never had long hair. Maybe I wanted him to. My sister Tina was very skinny and tall to me apparently. And bald.

Okay. Now, if anyone has any insight into this, feel free to let me know. I question this drawing until this day. This is apparently my bedroom. My lack of perspective makes itself evident here. Okay, am I looking at the front of the closet..or down on the bed, and is the closet on it's back? What are those magenta lines coming out from the top of the bed? What are those squares? Was that supposed to be my dresser originally? That would explain the squares, but then I decided to put legs on it like a bed..and I recall my carpet being brown, not lime green. My mom doesn't even know what the hell went on here. Oh well.